Wednesday, October 20, 2010

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The person I am looking for is not here. I am not even sure who I am looking for anymore.

Am I looking for the young, naive 16 year old that thought love would solve all the world's problems?

Or maybe the 20 something girl in college that didn't have a care in the world except for where her next beer was going to come from?

Or the 20 something college graduate, living on her own, full of life, strong, independent, got what she want with hard work?

The newly wed that married the love of her life, had a brand new house and could accomplish anything?

All of these girls are gone and have been replaced with a woman in her late 30's that is tired, run down, has four kids, many stresses and not much joy.

I guess you could say I am going through an identity crisis. I have been home for 10 years now raising my girls and I feel like I have lost my way. I have lost who I really am.

Before my daughters were born I had an awesome career, I made great money and I had a sense of purpose. Don't get me wrong, being a Mom gives me a great sense of purpose, but not a great sense of self.

I don't feel like that strong, fun, ready to take on the world person anymore. I want her back. I am not even sure I like who I have turned out to be. Most days I feel like a maid that is just here to take all of my children's abuse.

Clean, cook, laundry, repeat.









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12 comments

  1. Sigh. Hang in there. I know how you feel though. Your identity is still in there somewhere, it's just tied in very closely to your primary mom role. Taking a little YOU time helps uncover that complex lady under the metaphorical apron. Easier said than done. I know. Really.

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  2. You and hubby need to discuss this. Soon too. Just saying. You need to do something else at least part time. My two cents.

    Have a terrific day honey. Big hug. :)

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  3. The day to day can really kill that part of us that makes us feel like we are ready to take on the world. I think a lot of moms can relate.

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  4. family life can zap us for sure, but take it by the reins! You can get it back!

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  5. I'm totally feeling like that right now. I do the same things over and over and over. The same conversations with the kids. The same laundry, the same dinners. Some days I am so bored I could cry. Schedule a girls night out! Hope things pick up for you!

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  6. I'm just expecting #1 and I feel the same way sometimes. Many times its people out here in the bloggy world that make me realize how much more there is to me! Hang in there, hope things get better!

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  7. I so hear you. For years I felt the very same thing and now with the kids in college, I still haven't figured out what comes next.

    I didn't really have a career before the kids came so for me Saturday mornings became my "time off" and I was able to just be me. Whether it was having coffee with a friend, shopping or just hanging out at my Moms I felt like it at least was some time to myself and I could re-energize. It's true when they say you HAVE to make time for yourself!

    visiting from PYHO! :)

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  8. Clean, cook, laundry, walk, dance like nobody's watching, write little poems (or do something else), repeat.

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  9. You've GOT to do something for yourself. I mean it. I've been there and it is a crappy place. Take a class, learn a new hobby or craft, do yoga, whatever--but you have to do something for YOU and you alone. It will give you something to look forward to, talk about with your family members, and your daughters will realize that you ARE a person afterall.

    You are close to me--wanna meet for coffee one night? We could have a blogger meet up and crack up a bit if you want. Let me know--email or something.

    I've been there and I'm telling you, it is just a transition and you have to figure out who you are and where you are going. Then the kids grow up and don't need you so much anymore and you go through it again because it wasn't YOU who decided that you are being downsized. I did a LOT Of crying during that time, but it changes....again and again and again.

    Hang in there, pally. Sounds like a blue day.

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  10. New follower on GFC and twitter. ;-)

    I am RIGHT there with you. It doesn't help that men and our childless friends don't have a CLUE how much we really do, agonize over and stress about so they end up looking at us just as vacantly as the kids sometimes. The fact that motherhood and parenting in general is not given as much weight in life as say, someone who chooses a full-time career doesn't help things either. No wonder this country is going to hell and our children are turning out the way they are. Moms are simply not valued like they should be and it is a disgusting shame. It is looked at as an inconvenience and liability by many (bosses, for example); an irritant by some (just show up at the gate for a flight with a baby or kids in tow and listen to the audible sighs and groans and watch the eyes roll) and just not as valued as THE hardest and MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD. You just have to keep telling yourself that you are the CEO of the most important company EVER. And you MUST take time to delve into things you once enjoyed, or find new things to enjoy. You are still that person you once were. You just have a more important title now and your job is harder. I need to take my own advice bc I could have written your post. ((hugs)) to you mama.

    Shannon
    http://www.peasloveandcamelot.wordpress.com

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  11. Being a SAHM can be grueling even when we enjoy the time we spend attending to our children's needs. If your soul starts calling you to add a little something for you, then honor it. Find a part-time post or even a class that gives you some me time. It is necessary for your mental health.
    Sure, there are moms who feel 100% content with the role but we are all different... Your soul's call ought to be honored and your children will benefit from having you fulfilled and joyful. Go for it!
    Hugs from here,
    Elizabeth

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