I recently found a great new blog called
Things I Can't Say. Shell is honest and witty and expresses herself so well on so many things that moms can relate to. Every Wednesday she hosts Pour Your Heart Out. The purpose is to allow people to express their heartfelt thoughts once a week about anything they want.
I choose to join this week because my heart is very heavy. I try to keep my blog upbeat and funny. Unfortunately, life isn't always as kind. There is so much going on behind my blog. So many things I would love to reach out and talk about but, for whatever reason I don't. I am a very private person, so blogging was always meant for me to use it to get my feelings out, yet I don't. I am going to try more to write about personal things, not only for me but maybe to help someone else who reads my posts or feel the way I do. The best feeling in the world is to find another person's story and be able to say, "I am so glad I am not the only one."
I suffer from GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). I posted about it
here when I first returned back from my blogging break. I am doing better, but it is always a struggle. My true heart break started when my 6-year-old daughter was also diagnosed with GAD this last year. She couldn't function in school, her grades were horrible, she would go into tantrums, cry all the time and she hated her life. I had never been so scared for her.
After a short time, with the help of her school's teachers, social worker, nurse and principal, I knew it was time to seek out help because I couldn't help my little girl alone. There is no worse feeling in this world than when you can't help make your own child better. My happy, bright eyed little girl needed help and I had to find a way to give it to her.
We found a therapist and she started going once a week. It worked out, but she still wasn't functioning the way she should be at 6. I then had to make the hardest decision of my life - whether to medicate my daughter. Having had a hard time myself with medications I just couldn't bare the thought. I was very against it and even resisted it for some time. Then my sweet little girl came to me in tears one day and made everything clear to me. She said, "Mommy, I can't do this anymore. Why can't I just be normal? Why does everything have to be so hard. I just want to be like everyone else." At that point I knew I had to do whatever it would take to make my baby ok.
She has been on the medication for 6 months now. Looking back I know I made the right decision. We recently had to up her dosage because her anxiety was still getting the best of her. She has been doing very well as of late and is back to her happy self. She still has her moments from time to time but, they are much more manageable and controllable.
I guess sometimes as Moms we have to stand back from our role to see things clearly. I know I did the right thing. It was just the hardest thing I ever had to do.
