Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Pour Your Heart Out - Did I Do This To Her?



Depression/Anxiety Hurt.

They hurt the person it affects.

It hurts those around you.

It affects everyone.

I have been living this nightmare for a few years now. I have gone to several doctors, tried several medications, blamed my parents, blamed myself, blamed my high school boyfriend. It doesn't matter, I still have it. 

My second born was diagnosed with depression/anxiety about two years ago. It kills me to think I have done this to her. If I could just take all the pain and anxiety away from her I would. I know what kind of world she is living in, because I live there too. 

We take medication and hope it works. We get great highs about life and then sink so low we don't know if we will ever come out of it. That is the roller coaster we both call life. 

I pray that since she is so young she will have a chance to work through this before she gets older. I can't bare the fact that she might be like me and have to deal with this for the rest of her life. But, chances are she will. 

The guilt I feel, even though I know it is genetic. I feel so guilty. 


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9 comments

  1. I wish you wouldn't feel guilty, but that's a tough thing to expect someone to adhere to. Life sometimes just throws us some hard balls and all we can do is the best we can do. I'm sure that you will do this.

    Have a terrific day. Big hugs. :)

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  2. I go through the same guilt with my 2nd born. I know, deep down in my heart, that she has bipolar disorder. I know because I see me in her at her age. she feels the highs of life so much higher than her peers, and the lows tear her apart.
    all I can do is help her through it. I am not medicated for my BPD, and so far, my daughter's therapist feels we should wait to medicate her as well. most days she functions well - we have tricks to get us through the low peaks and valleys - the rest we are working on together.
    the guilt is there, but I'm working on covering it up with the fact that we just "get" each other when no one else does.
    - di
    (visiting from PYHO)

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  3. Although it is easier said than done, you should not feel guilty! My mother had the mental illness Bipolar Disorder as I grew up, and my fear was always that I was going to have it. Luckily I did not inherit that, but I do have Anxiety Disorder and sometimes I feel depressed. But not once have I thought of blaming my mother, I know if she could have stopped from passing on anything to me, she would have with all her might. A child just knows these things, and I'm sure your daughter already knows the same. I have also passed on the Anxiety Disorder to my daughter and hers started much younger than mine. She started having attacks at age 10. Now she is 27 and I can tell you she has turned out fine, she is living a happy functioning life, even though she still has it, it is well managed with her medicine. It is a new day with new medicines coming out all the time and there is always new hope. Keep communicating with your Doctor's and each other and together you both will get through this. In the long run too it will only bring you closer because she will know that you truly understand her like no one else can! If you need to ask me anything at anytime feel free, I'll do my best to help.
    Hugs to you,
    Janet :)

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  4. I too wish you didn't feel guilty but that is what we do as moms. It's actually good that you know her struggle, you are an awesome support for her and full of advice!

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  5. Don't feel guilty. Know that you can be there to support and completely understand what's going on. xo

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  6. I inherited it from my mom but I absolutely don't think it's her fault, and I'm sure your daughter will never blaim you either. I think most of society has some level of mental illness/anxiety, so it's not uncommon or taboo. It's just who we are. Yes it sucks and it affects others sometimes, but people are there who love us and want to help us. So don't ever feel bad.

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  7. You feeling guilty about that is like me feeling guilty that both my girls have Arthritis. Both. Veronica since 3, Gloria since 10-she has to have shots weekly. How do I know it's my fault? I don't have, but my girls have different fathers, so I'm the common denominator. Gloria also has bipolar(from her dad)and Asthma,IBM.
    What I'm saying is these aren't things we can control.
    I have a son with Aspergers. I really have bad genes if you look at it that way. Except none of my children have IQ's under 170.
    Your daughter is going to have something wonderful to give to this world. Maybe she'll be able to figure out how to keep teens from killing themselves,or a cure for us chocoholics, whatever it is she's going to be it will be awesome-just like her mom!

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  8. It's in our nature to feel guilty. As parents, it's just a human instinct. I worry that my daughter has autism because I had 2 epileptic seizures during my pregnancy. But it isn't anyone's fault. It's something we have to deal with. You're certainly not alone.

    CJ x

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  9. Ugh. I can so understand the feeling. But - you can't hang that guilt on yourself. I have huge guilt still about my son's chromosomal disorder - which adds to my depression.... UGH. But, even though my head tells me it isn't my fault - sometimes my heart doesn't listen.

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